I can't believe it is nearly a month since I blogged. It's a funny old time now. I didn't expect to have any anxiety about the CT scan and the appointment with the oncologist a week later, but I have to admit I have. When I embarked on the treatment it was presented to me as the next stage of treatment, I was warned about some of the sideeffects, and although the prognosis was more or less 50/50, I felt fairly confident that the cancer had been completely removed and we were simply playing safe with the lymph nodes. Since then I have had a wide range of symptoms from my guts, the side-effects have extended from one treatment to the next, our friend John has only months to live (having had his bowel and prostate cancers diagnosed by screening), and the last two cycles of chemo were so debilitating that I do not think I could agree to any more even if the CT scan shows I need it. I am being pathetic I know, so many people are going through far worse, and with less support. I have noticed a cycle of mood as well as physical symptoms, with despondency and foreboding setting in during the third week. I know now that this is when the blood values are at their lowest, and the steroids I was taking on the 21st day to protect me from reaction to the infusion were a real pick-me-up. Of course, I didn't have the steroids this time, and no-one to ring me up and tell me how the bloods were and ask me how I was. I really thought I was going to be back to normal, and the numbness that has settled into my finger-tips is a constant reminder that I am not.
BUT we did have a lovely time in Stone, and apart from falling asleep during the evenings after a glass of wine I was not held back from anything we did. I read to the children on the two mornings, starting before seven, then got up with them and gave them their breakfast. We did a geo-cache walk that JOe and Sally had done before, Sally simplifying it for the boys so that they walked round the Downs Banks looking for red signs, and a bridge over the stream (with a troll living underneath who fortunately had gone out for the day) finally discovering a metal box under the leaves which contained various treasures. The boys both left a dinky car, and Joe took out a strange white wand. When James had his turn to choose he chose Joe's yellow car, so it didn't stay there long!
We all had our annual visit to Trentham Gardens, and the four Knees had their ride on the carousel. Mary-Ann looked like throwing up, but the boys were starry-eyed so it was worth it. It was getting dark, and the lights down the walkway and in the garden centre were magical. A chinese take-away and various games on the Play-Station inter-active thing (don't know what it's called, but it's like a Wii-fit), rounded off the Saturday nicely. On Sunday we had a quiet play morning and an early lunch at the Crown and Anchor before the Knees left for Devon. The rest of us were booked into an Indian restaurant in Stafford, so we had tried not to eat too much lunch. We really thought we wouldn't be able to face food again that day, but the Indian spices worked their magic and we had a wonderful time and a delicious meal.
Monday and Tuesdays were grown-up days: charity furniture shops and bulk spice buying from the Pakshop. (That really is its name, not us being insulting). It's a Pakistani supermarket in Hanley, Stoke, which makes the Indian section of Tesco and Schwaartz spices look like a joke - you buy in Kg not grams.
Joe fixed us up with an iRiver which is a little hard drive with ear-phones and a huge memory. He also had a gadget to connect its output to the car radio (without a plug!) and we downloaded a novel from my laptop that I had previously bought from WeRead4you. It was a good job we had it, because we made a bad choice of A47 rather than A11 on account of having seen a warning of road closures on our way to Stone. It was a bad choice because the road was closed without warning at the end of the Peterborough by-pass, with no warnings or diversion signs. Hundreds of vehicles of all descriptions made a very slow detour through the lanes of Northamptonshire and Lincolnshire, deep dykes without banks or barriers, and sharp bends in roads barely wide enough for two lanes. We eventually arrived at Wisbech, from where it was relatively straightforward. We enjoyed our audiobook so much that we unpacked the car and then sat through another two chapters while the fire gradually took the chill off the house. Apparently our solid fuel central heating had kept the house fairly warm until Monday, but by Tuesday evening it was 'perishing'. I slep in bed-socks and bed-jacket.
Back at home I am still experimenting with recipes for Dave's Christmas. I made my own sausage meat with pork fillet, a round of bread and grated apple, with 10mls of oil to replace the hard fat that is normally added. I thought it needed more seasoning, but surprisingly Dave loved it. He didn't even c omplain about the pastry made with a mixture of white flour and fine oatmeal, and oil instead of fat. It was very crumbly, and I think my low-GI aspirations would be better served by a simple wholemeal pastry. Anyway, we keep trying stuff out. The mincemeat with no sugar or fat, but a large proportion of green tomatoes was a success and I have some secreted in the freezer for Christmas. He doesn't know about the green tomatoes yet! I am considering putting my culinary adventures into one of my little books! I probably need to wait and find out if we are making any difference to the blood sugar first!
This is a very long blog. Having had a good moan initially I wanted to make it clear that I am actually living. In fact I am having a very good life, and have nothing at all to moan about. We have beautiful snow at present, and more to come later in the week. OK, my tingly numb fingers and toes prohibit me going out in the cold at all, but the snow makes me feel fully justified, and I love my lazy, 'do it when you feel like it' life. I am no better a housewife than I have ever been, but at least I have no loss of self-esteem because of the way it was!, Best of all, I don't have to go to work and face the fear that I am no longer adequate. My appraiser always insisted I was OK, and no worse than anyone else, and he loved my paperwork, because I am good at reflecting about what I am doing, and these days that is almost more important than what you do!
Anyway, it was time for me to step down. I don't regret anything except the loss of income, and we still have 'the plot'. I have tried to add a photo, but for some reason the ones I want are not coming up on the upload browse. I'll try again later.
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